Healing after a miscarriage
No one prepared me for the loss. One minute I was an excited and nervous expectant mother-to-be, around eight weeks into her pregnancy, filled with dreams and hopes for the future, already filled with so much love for a child I had yet to meet. The next minute, the ultrasound technician brought the radiologist in, and a woman I had never met before was explaining to me, in the most sympathetic way possible, that my baby had no heartbeat. I was pregnant when I walked into the clinic, and I was not pregnant when I walked out. Devastation, shock, unbelief, grief are words that come to mind that describe how my husband and I felt that day. How could things change so quickly? How could God let this happen? Why? Why?
The next few weeks were beyond challenging trying to navigate the options for what I was going through – what the medical community calls a missed miscarriage. Grief is a funny thing too. I found I would be perfectly fine and happy 50% of the time, but the other 50% of the time, especially if I was talking about the miscarriage or thinking about it, I would break down crying … sometimes I couldn’t stop. During a lot of this time, I wasn’t really seeking God. I couldn’t bring myself to talk to him. It hurt too much. I do remember one painful night searching my Bible for verses about suffering, for something to hold on to, anything to give me words to say to God. The Bible did not disappoint. I found Psalm 119 to be full of comfort, but these two verses resonated with me the most:
- May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant. Let your compassion come to me that I may live, for your law is my delight (Psalm 119: 75-76).
- My soul is weary with sorrow. Strengthen me according to your word (Psalm 119:28).
These verses felt the most honest with what I was feeling, and it was super easy to turn them into prayers and cries to God. I continued praying this way as that is all I could emotionally do for a while.
When I have a problem, I look up verses in the Bible related to that problem, but I will also research ways others have overcome similar problems. I will also normally talk to friends as well, and I had friends who knew what I was going through and who were praying for me, but the healing journey at this point seemed too personal to talk directly to friends about things. Having never experienced a miscarriage, I was at a loss as to how to handle my emotions, find healing, or go forward, especially since my typical pattern during hard times is to talk to God, who I was having a hard time talking. Hence, the researching. I came across various articles that listed ways to find healing after a miscarriage. One item that stood out to me was naming the baby.
While naming a child after a miscarriage may not be what everyone need s, it was something I needed to do to remind myself the pregnancy had existed and to commemorate all the dreams that had suddenly vanished. Naming the baby was also something I had really been looking forward to, so this way I still had a chance to do so. I started by looking up baby names online, but nothing felt right. We also did not know the gender of the baby, so I knew I wanted a unisex name. As I was researching names I began to think about Psalm 139:13-16 and how it says, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb ... my frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place ... your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book.” Such verses had a whole new meaning for me. Even though I had not been pregnant very long, God saw every precious step of my baby’s development. Even before conception, The King already knew my baby’s name. This was such a comfort to me. As I pondered this, other Bible verses I had read long ago came rushing to back mind:
“Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations” (Revelation 22:1-2).
In these verses, I loved the picture of God’s mighty power and of a life-giving river (some Christians believe this refers to the Holy Spirit) flowing from His throne, through his beautiful streets, past a luscious tree containing leaves of healing. I imagined my baby as a child playing there, with pure joy, perfectly healthy, in The King’s presence. Since my husband and I also love being near water, it seemed so fitting to name our baby River.
After some time of grief, it was extremely helpful to talk to friends who had experienced a miscarriage, in some cases multiple miscarriages, and hear their stories. They could certainly identify with my pain. I remember one friend, who had been praying for me, came with me to an appointment related to the miscarriage, and asked how I was doing. I shared the above story with her, and she told me she thought it was beautiful. A few days later, this loving friend sent me a sterling silver necklace that had a pendant in the shape of a diamond that contained such a precious scene for me. It depicted a golden sun behind a mountain range, and a river flowing from the mountains past a forest of trees on both sides. Just like the Bible verse. It was an incredible gift to receive and a constant reminder of where River is. I still wear it today. The necklace was also delivered to my house after I had just endured excruciating pain upon having uterine contractions induced to pass the miscarriage. Little known to my friend, the timing was like God was saying, “I see you. I see River. Let me continue to heal you.”
What helped me heal from my miscarriage, may not help others. We are all different. Nevertheless, God promises that “He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalms 147:3). God stayed true to His promise and continues to heal my broken heart and bind up my wound every day. It’s still painful when I think about River, and everything medical I went through related to the miscarriage is seared in my memory. Yet, the sorrow does get better. Eventually I could tell the whole story to people without crying, and I was able to write this article. I do not know if I will have another child or not, but I do know I already have a beautiful child in heaven playing and laughing by the river.
Resources
I was in contact with The Early Fetal Loss Program at a hospital in my area that provided amazing care while I was going through my miscarriage. If you are going through a miscarriage, please call your local hospital and see if they have a similar program or can refer you to one in your area. Having this medical support made all the difference in the world.
Below are some websites I also found helpful while experiencing a miscarriage:
After a Miscarriage: Surviving Emotionally | American Pregnancy Assoc.